I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
