Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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