i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize