So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
