Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There's always time for handjobs
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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