Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
