i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
