I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
