Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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