Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
