I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
