Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
