yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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