I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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