I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
