He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
