Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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