The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
