about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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