guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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