And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
