I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
