It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize