So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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