The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
