I feel like I'm in dance class right now
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
