the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize