I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
