I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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