I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize