The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
