I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
