so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
