Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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