peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
