at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He literally asked permission to hit on me
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
