I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
