this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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