So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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