my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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