I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
this is an emotional support booty call
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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