I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just had sex on a roof
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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