I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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