Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
