Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
