I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
