Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
