I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
