i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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