I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
