so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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