This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
