Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize