We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
