guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
