Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
bring money and cleavage
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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