just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
