My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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