I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Randomize
