Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
