i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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