i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
