I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
