You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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