Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
