Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
