theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
