I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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