You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
we're so committed to being not committed
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
