I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize