she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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